Several days ago we picked up what’s left of you ljubav in this world. It was lighter than a feather…The lady from a funeral service had some toughness mixed with compassion. Toughness was her part who saw so many lost, teary eyes and compassionate part was still human not being able to comprehend. I took the urn, and it was lighter than a feather but felt heavier than if the whole world fell on me. There was what’s left of you, of my love and my life. In a small black box. Those small little cheeks, small big feet, cute little hair.
I see moms struggling with their postpartum belly. I look down myself and I see empty hands covering the scar. I close my eyes and imagine you ljubav. So many times your smell appears in the air, so many times I try to stop whatever I’m doing and wherever I am just to catch it. I wish I could hug you so much. I wish I could play with you. I wish I could see you. I wish I could turn back the time. I wish I had super powers. I wish it was a movie with a happy ending. I wish all this was a nightmare and I could wake up to being pregnant and wait for you to go out. I wish…so many people wrote me life isn’t fair. Every second of your life I was hoping for miracle, that you will outlive that 99% of no chances. I saw people who don’t deserve a single chance of this life getting up again and again. I saw you who deserve all the life possible, fading away in my arms. No, life is not fair.
Several days ago we picked up what’s left of you ljubav in this world and never in my life did I believe in souls so much as I believe now.
Several days ago we picked up what’s left of you ljubav in this world and we will take it to some place warm, some place of nice people and nice food. There will be no funeral, because you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve tears, black clothes, sadness and despair. You don’t deserve a bad memory, a sad memory. You deserve a forever lasting smile. You deserve forever lasting, unconditional love. You deserve FOREVER ljubav. You don’t deserve this life that is not fair.
I miss you. I will forever do. We both feel heavier as the time goes by. The more distant the memory is, the harder it is to think. To remember. To close my eyes and go through all that small body, small movements. Time doesn’t heal and it will never. Time only helps to learn how to live again. We somehow define time. Time needed.
Several days ago we picked up what’s left of you ljubav in this world and I need to tell you goodbye, but I will never do.