I stopped planning. I stopped thinking about tomorrow, about what I’m going to wear in the morning, about where I’m going to be. I stopped thinking about being old. I stopped thinking about where I’m going to be in few years. I started Now. Everything in now. I am not thinking few hours in advance. We had a small talk, and Mario asked me to explain his mom what he was imagining where he wants to be when he gets old. In the moment I realised how impossible is this thought. It’s impossible to know, and to imagine is almost useless. The thing that we spend thinking about how to live, makes us live less. I spent so much time dreaming and thinking about how to spend time with Aurora, what we are going to do, where are we going to be, how I should raise her. In 5 minutes only, I got stripped down of that dream and all thoughts. I realised that 5 minutes, sometimes even spent sitting on toilet reading newspapers or simply doing nothing, can be unimaginably unpredictable. In 5 minutes they stripped down my clothes, put me on the table with 10 medical stuff around me. They took me into operation room and the last words I said before going to sleep is “I trust you”. I was trusting doctor like he was life, like he was God. 5 minutes and sometimes seconds can be so unpredictable and change everything you ever planned and were thinking about. So why the hell should I think where I will be as old. Why the hell should I plan anything anymore? To make me sure that there is tomorrow, that something will actually happen in next future. Is our brain doing this just to protect us from the fact that we don’t know. We don’t know the next 5 minutes, and not to mention the next days, years, life.
I stopped thinking about tomorrow. I stopped when she stopped breathing. Not because I gave up on future, but because future is invented term to make us calm and believe in next 5 minutes. Insecure and nonexistent. Is only now.