I live every day like time has stopped somehow. I live everyday trying to put myself out of that day like from some mud full of demons pulling me down and drowning me. Demons of why? Demons of what I did wrong? Demons of tomorrow?
I know you maybe don’t want me to ask these questions because we cannot get answers yet, but it’s so hard not to ljubav. Why? There are so many kids being born into unliveable conditions. So many parents neglecting and abusing their babies. Why we got strapped off that dream of having you here and playing with you? We are pretending and trying to move on, but inside our heads there is unstoppable dream about you. About how you would look like at different age? About how what would be your favourite color? Would you be small spoiled lady or small rebel? Would you like more cars or motorbikes?
What I did wrong? Was there a moment I could have done something else that could change all of this? Was I wrong for listening the doctors? Was I wrong for not staying home and resting more? Was I selfish somehow? Was I not loving you enough?
I long for having you in my arms. I long for having those small hands wrapped around my fingers. I long for something so pure and so beautiful as you were. Sometimes I would like to play with any baby, just to play and hold. But no one is You.
And I am so confused what now and what tomorrow? I keep loving children so much, but I am so scared and so confused. No one will replace You, and what if something goes wrong again? How can I trust some doctor again when I realised that they care so much to leave everything to it’s own course? How can I trust my own body again when it didn’t recognised and warned me that You are suffocating? And if did how can I trust myself for not recognising it?
How do you stop asking yourself all these questions and start trusting yourself again?