The shock has ended.
The pain has kicked in.
The fight has started.
How do you fight your pain, your loss, your partner, yourself, people around and all that at once? What is and is there a priority in pain and in healing? How do I put down my confusion and pain when I see my partner suffer the same? Am I selfish in suffering? How do I talk, when I cannot say a word, yet I want to shout out all my inside. I want to share it with him but I don’t want to share the pain. Yet, the pain we already share, just in a different way. We are forever bound by our daughter and our pain. By our love and hope and our hatred towards living and death. I’ve gotten needy of coziness and cuddling probably more than ever. I was preparing myself 8 months (and whole life previously) to have something small, something mine and fluffy in my arms forever. The only thing I’ve got left is bittersweet memory of love. These memories of the love you cannot have hurt the most. I tried to sketch her face in the hope to bring her to life, but I couldn’t hold the pen. My soul poured out through my eyes. I sketched her lips because she had the most perfect lips I have ever seen. I started sketching her nose, and I couldn’t go further. I realized I don’t know how to sketch her with open eyes. There is so much pain inside me that is not possible to share, but I know very well I am not alone. Sometimes it’s hard to synchronize the feelings and be on the same page. Sometimes I am up and he is down and vice versa. The love and hate and resentment fluctuate a vast amount. They interconnect, hug and pour out all at once. And I would love you and hate you at the same time. But I for sure don’t want to let go. Letting go would be hugging the insanity. We say bad words, we spit fire at each other, we sleep in separate beds. I am the one pretending to be in pain, he is the one who is not there. Yet neither is true. We are both here and we are both in pain. And with the pain we are both blinded. It’s hard to feel love, even though that’s all we got left. It’s hard to give the love, when we both need it the most. We fight of who has it harder and who is less fair, we don’t see we are scratching our wounds deeper.
How do you turn all the confusion into clarity?
How do you make peace with the pain and start to feel love again?
I have heard it’s normal marriages and relationships fall apart in situations like this, but I don’t want to go down that road. We both don’t want to.
I know it’s impossible to live up to that feeling of joy we had before all of this, but I swear…I close my eyes every night with a message to her and hope that I will wake up with pain settled down. With my chest easier and my mind not scared. I hope to wake up to kiss again without setting back my feelings. I hope to make love again as light as a feather and powerful like a thunderstorm. I hope our pain will run out and there will be only love left. Sweet memory reminding what we had and have forever together.