Have you ever stopped and realized you are running away from so many things that actually are tearing you apart? You run away from your passions because you think you are not good enough. You run away from your fears because you think if you don’t see it will disappear even if it lives down deep inside you. You run away from your thoughts and feelings because you would rather be dull and pointless than accept some deep sadness.
I found myself running away in different ways. Ones are those sitting in sofa scrolling pointlessly down the social network feed, others are putting so many things at once so that my mind wouldn’t catch a single thought.
They say I am doing good, in general, I am very brave and I handle the situation quite well. I cannot show anyone how is it to think of rainbows and sunshine while you are a living thunderstorm inside. Since I lost words to describe what I feel inside I started listening to other people more. The more conversation I have with people about their inner self, the more I realize that I do not know a person that is completely okay. Completely satisfied with themselves and has a clear idea of what is life for them and how to enjoy it. I was thinking that this is a mistake of a society I lived in because I was raised in a society that likes to show off that everything is perfect even though actually everything is so poor and dying out. After I moved out of that society and realized its spread over cultures, it’s something deeper, embodied in human nature – not wanting to feel the pain. It’s natural.
For a woman who has lost her child, running away is a surviving technique. Being disconnected from your mind and your body helps to shut down the pain for a while. I found myself disconnected lots of times. After suffering a loss, you cannot concentrate anymore because if you would, you would concentrate on that one thing that hurts the most. I have this problem at work, I cannot concentrate. My mind wanders all around, cannot focus on things. And this is normal. It is not normal that people around don’t understand this. That if you smile or are there for them it means you are okay. I have lost a child 7 months ago and even it might seem a lot, it is very present and very now. I find it quite unfair sometimes, people talking about bullshit like it’s the biggest issue in human history, making it normal to talk about bullshit and bother other people, but I, who have undergone serious trauma, am not allowed to talk about it. ”You cannot talk about it in public.” ”It’s a very serious topic” Society is quite unfair towards people who have experienced something bad. They make you better keep it for yourself while saying they understand. While you are fighting with being disconnected, society is cutting any ties to your wounds making it in the past, invisible, cured. It isn’t. Even though I am disconnected I cannot run away because in the end I put my eyes up and see the emptiness in the room. I open the wardrobe where her things are. I pass every day her packed baby bed. This pain is omnipresent, stays forever. So, running away the whole time is very temporary.
For a woman who was pregnant 8 and a half months, her body underwent a change. While many women who are lucky to have their babies, need to accept their body change, I need to accept my body change while not having my baby in my arms. And this will be painful for every woman who has lost their baby, whether it was two months or eight months. Body endures more while carrying the baby longer, but I find it very unfair for women who had early miscarriages not to be able to talk about it, or not to have proper time off from work, because people don’t consider it real pregnancy. There is so much ignorance and misconception when it comes to this that it is scary. It is scary how society is not helping trauma to heal but is creating an even bigger, deeper scar.
Besides being disconnected from my thoughts, I felt very disconnected from my body. One thing is to accept that my body gained 20 kilos more and lost it in seven days. Another thing is to learn to trust my body again. I lost my trust when it didn’t recognize something was wrong or I didn’t listen to it. It’s very hard to feel my body, women wise, sexually. Trauma made long-lasting effects and messed up priorities and feelings. And I am a woman, I deserve to feel it again.
One thing I for sure took away from the last seven months is that my mind is stronger than my body. After the operation, I didn’t feel pain from the C section, I have never taken any pain killers. I have walked from the hospital to the home and back, was not so far, but I did and pain from the scar was not present. My mind and soul heaviness were stronger. Four months after operation I walked 230 kilometers to Santiago de Compostela without feeling pain. My mind was so focused on doing it that it didn’t allow my body to give up even though I was wet from heavy rainfalls, sleeping on plastic covers without sheets, not having warm showers and other commodities we are used to. My mind is the strongest force I have encountered. So, if you have are feeling some loss or are suffering inside from some other reason – let your mind be heavy, it will find its own way out.
The other thing I am taking away is my body. I am struggling with it in so many ways, but for sure not that it is not beautiful. I see so many posts about body shaming and I can just say that our bodies are amazing. No matter what kind of shape, finding the true connection with your body is all that matters. Loving yourself and respecting your body. My body endured a lot, it protected me a lot. My belly served the purpose, it held the most precious stuff ever. It has all the right to be fluffy and wiggly. My breasts were feeding my most precious stuff ever. Most important to know, they are working properly, heh, they can look however they want. And they don’t look perfect right now, rather strange. I still cannot feel them but I can wear a bra even while sleeping without being bothering.
We can try to run away however we want but it won’t disappear. The pain, the scars remain forever. And while running away, we ourselves forget that we are in pain and that we should give ourselves more love. Our body needs proper healing time, proper care and treatment. My doctor told me I should dance to make it heal faster and for me, it’s the best advice ever. I have started dancing again, I feel like an unsynchronized idiot among a bunch of children, but I also feel so happy to feel my body move and sway. It is also a way for my woman to flourish again, to feel its sensuality and itself. Don’t let anybody tell you how to do it. Your husband, your friends don’t know your body as you do and it needs your love and your self-awareness. Our mind needs love too. It needs positive thoughts, positive people, it needs smiles and sunshines. To tell ourselves it is not our fault and one day everything will make more sense. One day everything will be okay.
Take your time and embrace your heaviness. Find a way to make it a loving memory. If you are still breathing and are here it means you have still so many things to do. Don’t allow society to rush you and silent you. Hurting is normal. Find your way.
Do not giving up. Remember how strong your body and your mind are for going through all this.
Everything will be fine.
Trust yourself. Do not run away.