My lost, hand-made engagement ring and my fiancé‘s feet after finishing Camino de Santiago….I am so fucking sorry I have lost the engagement ring since it’s the nicest stuff I have ever received and I even had an idea of preserving it forever! And I ended up losing it somewhere in Tesco probably…I felt really bad as a person and as a future wife. Who else loses their engagement ring???!!! He was joking ( I guess) no ring – no marriage! Hell no boy, I walked 250 km in rain, slept on plastic mattresses without heating during the night and proper covers, had no warm water to shower, only for him to pop out that question. Oh, we are doing it 😃
Jokes aside, as a little girl I dreamed of marriage as something special, I learned a lot through my parents. I learned about love, but I also learned about betrayal and forgiveness. There came the times when I was petrified if this ring is going to lock me down from all the things I wanted to do or to be. I grew up in surrounding where marriage was obligatory stage of life, so everyone did it at certain age point, no matter if they were ready or not, no matter if they loved or not. There came times when I stopped dreaming of this ring and started fearing it, making it one of my worst possible nightmares – losing my freedom. And my freedom meant everything to me! From choosing how to look, what to dress, where to live to how to live. It needed to be mine own. I couldn’t adjust. I never did, even though so many times my freedom was at stake both because of naiveness and fragility, I escaped shortly before dying closed in cage. I was never able to live according to set rules, I was never able to be told how long my dress should be, I was never able to be told what I shouldn’t do. If I was told these things, I would be doing the opposite. From when I started walking “Silvana, don’t do that…”, was a sign for me that I should try it. I don’t know if I tested the world around me or saw some special treat behind “don’t do that”, but that’s how I am. Seeing women and men who got married giving up on their dreams and their freedoms froze any wish and dreams I had as a small girl.
Meeting my fiancé swept away the fear of being locked down. Meeting my fiancé, second time I kissed him on the lake, I knew that one day I am going to be wearing a nice, white wedding dress in front of him. Meeting my fiancé helped to break down from cage I was keeping myself in. At that point I realised no one else can lock me down except myself. When we got Aurora, I realised that we can go through everything together. We we lost Aurora, I realised we have incredible desire to stay together and create a family we both dream about.
When I got proposed, we were both at our knees in a small chapel in the cathedral of Santiago de Compostela. My face went into this crazy around the face smile, that I couldn’t put off for hours. I was not able to answer right away because of the shock and happiness, but the lady who was locking down and closing the chapel speeded up the process.
The proposal meant to me so much, not only because I was gonna get married but because, to my then boyfriend, marriage was only complicated way of getting divorced, so it was not very much on his bucket list from the beginning. Him proposing meant he really wanted to do it, like forever!!!!
So how this fear of losing my freedom with that ring went away?
Simply. I learned what freedom really is.
I learned that staying what you truly are is the reason someone fell in love with you and the reason he will stay forever with you.
I learned that your boyfriend, fiancé or future husband WILL NEVER EVER put your ideas, your questions and yourself down. He will nourish your soul, stretch your mind and encourage to be the best and happiest person ever.
I learned that jealousy is also a sign of love, but not a reason to stop being what you really are. That’s possessiveness. And that has nothing to do with love anymore.
I learned that being a woman has not so much to do with physical part and how I look, but has a lot to do with how I think and where I wanna be in this world. ( basically not much difference from being a man)
I learned also that a man cannot give advices on how to be a woman.
I learned self respect.
I learned to respect the other person too!
And after recognising his eyes in the darkness of Balkan bar, and getting his first kiss on a closed helmet, I learned that my heart was all his, but my mind is only mine.
Marriage has nothing to do with losing your freedom. Freedom can be lost with law, unread books and closed mind. Marriage is a way of celebrating what you had so far – love! It’s making it official for all the laws and places of this world.
It’s a celebration and a promise that I will stay forever and ever, both in bad and good, sickness and health, just like I did so far, loving you forever, just like I did from the first moment I saw you.
You set me free and I am not afraid of staying together with you free forever [even though I lost my engagement ring two days after the proposal] ❤️