What does being gentle with yourself mean when you are broken, scattered and shattered ?
What does it mean to move on with yourself when you are lost and you no longer know who you are?
What does it mean to recover when you know you will be broken forever and there is nothing that will bring you back?
There are moments that happen after which there is no going back, there is no beginning again, there is only going straight through the wall, through the storm and you know it will be no good, but you have no other option.
From the first to the last Aurora’s breath I was hoping, I don’t know if they would call it positive thinking, because I was hoping beyond all possibilities, beyond this time and this world. Her first breath broke me, because it wasn’t completely hers, independent, she fought though, until her fourth day. The last one broke me into millions of pieces that I will seek for and collect all my life. From then on I hate the words everything will be fine, you will be fine again. Ever since then, I have hated all the comforts of people trying to bury you and what have you been through just because they don’t even know what to say or how to handle it. I wonder how would they handle if they have lived through what I did.
Frankl says in an abnormal situation it is normal to react abnormally, therefore, it is not normal to be fine. And it’s not realistic. It’s not normal to say you’re okay when you’re not. It is not normal to think positively, that everything will be fine, when it will not, when you know that you will be broken forever. Her part of my heart will be missing forever. That part of the belly she was in will be missing always. And no matter how many children I will have, she will always be missing in my arms and hugs will never be complete no matter how full they will be. Telling to yourself that you are fine when you are not is an illusion that will only steal your time, it will catch you off-guard, accumulated with time and distorted with memories.
Accepting that you are not fine is the first step to finding a way to live with brokenness. You can’t do otherwise. A homeless man cannot tell himself that he is rich and well. He can but he does not accept the reality of his situation. So is with emotions and brokenness.
Tomorrow, Aurora should have turned 9 months old.
Sadness and emptiness are indescribable .
Deserts are more desolate and tsunamis and storms are quieter.
So, what it means being gentle to yourself?
That is being gentle.
Cao Ljubav ∞