If you knew all the secrets of this life would you go out and tell everyone? I believe there are people that discovered what is beyond life. They returned and were born again.
If you would know about the holy circle of life, would be aware every day of death as inevitable, about sorrow as inescapable, would you go out and warn the people, not to live, not to laugh?
If I would know in advance what would happen to Aurora and had no chance to change it would I want her less? In one month it is going to be one full year since she is not with us. One full year since I held her in my arms. One full year since I am dreaming her almost every day, how she would look like, how she would sound. One full year since I am calling her name but no answer back.
Couple days ago I held her urn and her ashes again close to my chest, but she was not there. It was first time I visited her grave after I left her there. In the beginning I was able to smell her in the air, randomly, out of nowhere and I am convinced she was there somehow. I was waiting so bad to smell her again because I was thinking she would be here.
On our way to her grave it felt rather strange, no pain at all. I was asking Mariu if this was the normal feeling and if he felt any pain more. He said no, he just felt pure happiness when he would think of her and her fluffy legs.
It’s Sicily and sun is burning everything in its way. We parked in front of the graveyard and went outside to pick up the roses. Etna one side of the graveyard and sea on the other side. She has an amazing view I would think always. As we were entering the graveyard my heart started to race. The same feeling as I had when I was entering the hospital ward she was in. Some big hole opened up in the chest. My eyesight blurry, my hands shaking, I’m walking through the graves and all those people on the pictures seem so alive to me, looking back at me as I’m walking pass them. In split seconds of seeing their faces on the stones I would imagine their lives. The more I am approaching to her spot, the bigger is the hole inside me, feels like it’s swallowing me. Finally opening our family tomb, and going inside. Huge silence. I see her urn standing there with roses that died long time ago. I needed to climb to get her. I had three stairs to climb, but it felt like I was going with each step thousand kilometres below the earth and taking all the heaviness with me. As I climbed to parallel with her urn, the world accelerated and the beginning and the end of times got mixed into a swirl not knowing what is what anymore. Everything I had from my daughter, from my sun and stars, my whole of the universe, was there in that black box. My hands reached but were shaking so much that they accidentally pushed down some glass candle that was there. It woke me up from some delirium where I felt falling down so deep. I took the urn and brought it back to my heart, all the time expecting to feel her smell. Only those who have lost know how heavy is the nothingness of the loved ones. The ashes were even heavier. Those cries are not normal, like when you are sad or something is hurting you. No, those cries are deep cutting like a sharp knife. I felt sadness before but this was not it. I took her urn out on the bench near by and cried, cried so quite, like when someone looses his voice. We still have a lot science didn’t explain. What happened? Why? What is this feeling? I studied psychology for a while, it was written no where. Doctors saying that’s it’s better not to think about it, doctors saying it was just my subjective feeling and my life, her life, had no other option but to remain in those 1% of which are unlucky. I am so mad to these kind of answers, to these kind of people. My mother raised me never to wish someone bad, even though they did it directly to you and I swear I wish no bad, but I wish them to understand so much how is on the otherside, so they would start doing differently for the others that happen to be in 1%. This kind of things should not be justified by statistics.
My heart was beating so hard that it bumped hugged urn and bounced back in such rapid movements that I felt she was beating together with me. I have been able to feel not all of her inside that urn but was actually part of me and this brought some hope. I told her few stories about how were these months without her.
I told her I miss her.
I told her I love her.
I told her I cannot wait a brother or sister for her, alive and healthy. We have already all the names. For a dog and a cat too.
Life cycle is strange.
I feel hopeful.
Future is hiding some answers and I am patient to await them.
One year without you Ljubav.
One year full of learning, growing and healing.
I miss you and that’s all there is