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Emocije poslije gubitka bebe i praznična atmosfera / Dealing with emotional rollercoaster after baby loss and holidays

For English version scroll down

Praznični dani su itekako teški za one koji su izgubili bebu.

Ako se osjećate kao da biste radije preskočili kićenje jelke i sve ove ljude koji vam se čine isforsirano srećni ili jednostavno vam se ne čini fer da svi mogu biti neoposivo srećni a vi se ne osjećate da izvinete kao poslednje govno i još se osjećate krivim što se osjećate tako, sve je to normalno…

Samo ne treba da se osjećate krivim zbog svega što osjećate. Ako mislite da kvarite nekom prazničnu idealnu atmosferu, ne kvarite. Ako vam neko možda da taj osjećaj ili kaže da se razveseliti, onda je on, da izvinete, govno!

Nažalost ono što vam se desilo je možda trebalo da bude najveći dio vašeg Božića, da ukrašava jelku sa vama, ili da pravite sve one fotke u božićnim kombinacijama koje svi prave, da smišljate šta bi to bio prvi božićni poklon, sigurna sam da bi bilo nešto značajno…

Niko nema pravo da vam kaže kako treba da se osjećate ili slavite. Niko nema pravo da vam kaže daj osvjesti se.

Mi naprimjer nismo slavili prvi Božić nakon što smo izgubili našu kćerku. To je trebao da bude njen prvi Božić i godinu prije, tačno kada smo ukrašavali jelku, kupili smo bebi čarape i stavili na jelku sa papirićem na kojem je pisalo da bismo htjeli jedno. Kako se taj prvi Božić bližio mi smo se osjećali još užasnije, kao da smo htjeli pobjeći iz sopstvene kože. Ona nam je bila božićna želja, koja nam se itekako obila o glavu. Tako da je bilo i previše teško zamisliti jelku i svu tu atmosferu bez naše kćerke. Sve se činilo toliko nepravdno i toliko odvratno, i svemu tome malo smo se posvadjali sa Bogom, ili kako god to sa kim nekad pričate zovete. Mi medjusobno imamo ražličite imenice. Tako da nam je slaviti Božić bilo ogadjeno. Za taj Božić smo se odlučili na jedan veliki poduhvat, meni par mjeseci nakon operacije i uopšte o za to doba godine. Odlučili smo prehodati preko 200 km zajedno, sami, sami sa svojim mislima. Odlučili smo se za poznati Camino de Santiago ili vam put svetog Jakova, inače jedna vrsta hodočašća, koja ne mora imati religiozni cilji i koja nije imala toliko religiozno značenje koliko jednostavno neku vrstu pročišćavanja misli od svega što nam se desilo i suočavanja sa svim nakupljenim emocijama.

Nije nam smetao ni crveni meteo alarm, ni poplave, ni kiše, ni pljuskovi, ni plikovi na nogama, ni to što nije bilo tople vode ni u jednom hostelu skoro, niti prekrivača. Nije nam smetalo što smo do podne hodali u suvoj odjeći osušenoj preko noći, ni to što smo od podne do naveče bili namočeni od peta do glave. Nisu nam smetali 20,30kg ruksaci. Nije bilo hladno uz sve vjetrove koji su duvali, jednostavno kao da nismo osjećali tu spoljašnost.

Badnji dan smo proveli sami na terasi na krovu jednog hotela manjeg španskog grada na primorju. Ćuteći i gledajući sve okolne zgrade i prostorije pune ljudi i porodica za stolom. Mi smo uspjeli pronaći neku lokalnu tjesteninu sa morskim plodovima od nekog čiče koji je zaključavao radnju i kad nas je vidio da tražimo bilo šta otvoreno, upitao nas šta bismo htjeli. Bilo mu je ostalo tog dana neprodanih peciva i mislim da nam nije ni naplatio punu cijenu. To nam je bilo božićno čudo jer nismo razmišljali da će se sve zatvoriti tog dana ranije. Za Božić smo imali najveći doručak u svem tom putu i nastavili hodati dalje.

Šta smo izvukli kao pouku iz sveg tog puta?

Ništa posebno, osim da smo htjeli ostati jedno sa drugim i da nismo mogli zamisliti taj Božić nikako drugačije.

Jesmo poludili da se patimo u to vrijeme kad su svi u kućama, sa porodicama, udobni i punih trbuha? Nikako.

To je bio naš i jedini zamisliv način da se nosimo sa tom svom prazničnom atmosferom. I htjeli smo to zajedno iako je bilo momenta kad se nismo mogli gledati jer nismo mogli podnijeti vidjeti svu tu tugu oslikanu u drugom licu.

Tako, ako Vam se Božić ne slavi – ne morate i nemojte.

Ako ste religiozni, sigurna sam da vam Bog neće zamjeriti. Ako je to uopštena familijarna proslava, ni porodica vam neće zamjeriti ako su razumni. Ako nisu, niste dužni da se objašnjavate.

Posvetite vrijeme sebi i svom partneru, nadjite način da to podnesete i prodjete zajedno. Ne mora biti nešto teatralno ili naporno, nešto jednostavno ili značajno će uraditi tu “magiju”. Neka večera sa namjenom, vikend vas dvoje sami, mjesto gdje možete pričati ili ćutati. Svjedeno. Bitno je da ste zajedno.

Uradite i nešto čim ćete uključiti ono što nije tu sa vama. Nije prošao nijedan dan da nismo mislili na nju ili ju spominjali. U najvećoj tuzi je i najveća prilika da priznate jedno drugom ta sva osjećanja i povežete kao nikada do sada. Da priznate sebi prvenstveno kako se osjećate, naglas! To je veliki poduhvat, najveći i ne mora značiti da baš nešto za vas. Moje iskustvo jednostavno. Meni je pomoglo mnogo.

Bitno je da sebi kažete da će biti sve u redu, iako zvuči suludo, nerealno i prokleto u ovom momentu. Naše dijete unutar nas to treba da bi preživjelo. Nije naviklo na ovakve grube životne udarce. I znajte da hoće. Proći će i ovi osjećaji iznemoglosti, tuge i očaja. Doći će dana kada ćete naučiti živjeti sa tim što vam se desilo. Ne, nećete zaboraviti, ali ćete se sa knedlom u grlu i suznim očima jednom moći možda nasmijati osvrćući se na sve to. Da ste možda zahvalni što ste imali to nešto malo u sebi. Zahvalni da ste bili mama i tata koliko god dugo to trajalo.

Ja itekako jesam.

Ne želim vam srećne praznike.

Želim vam srećan oporavak od života kakav nekad zna biti gad.

Želim vam spoznaju svih vaših emocija.

Želim vam da se uspijete povezati sa vašim partnerom i razumjeti sva njena ili njegova osjećanja.

Želim vam da vi budete razumljeni.

Želim vam da oprostite sebi, iako nemate šta.

Želim vam da pronadjete svoj način da živite sa tim što vas boli, kad god bude vrijeme za to.

Nažalost život nas neće čekati, ali uzmite sve vrijeme koje vam je potrebno.

I želim vam da više nego ikad ne izgubite nadu da život umije da bude lijep, i da je ružno i užasno dio toga što umije biti i lijepo.

Da se smjenjuju i da će doći i vaše lijepo.

Želim vam da čvrsto vjerujete u to.

Biće sve u redu.

Držite se ❤️

English version

The Christmas holidays are very difficult for those who have lost a baby.

If you feel like you’d rather skip decorating a Christmas tree and all these people who seem overwhelmingly happy to you or just don’t feel fair that everyone can be so happy and you don’t feel like that but rather like, forgive me wording, the last piece of shit and still feel guilty for feeling that way, it’s all normal …

You just don’t have to feel guilty about everything you feel. If you think you are spoiling someone’s ideal holiday atmosphere, you are not! If someone might give you that feeling that you are or tell you to cheer up, then he is, forgive me the wording, a piece of shit!

Unfortunately, what happened to you might have been the biggest part of your Christmas, decorating the Christmas tree with you, or taking all those photos in Christmas clothes that everyone makes, figuring out what that first Christmas present would be, I’m sure it would be something very significant …

No one has the right to tell you how you should feel or celebrate. No one has the right to tell you to cheer up.

We, for example, did not celebrate the first Christmas after we lost our daughter. It was supposed to be her first Christmas and the year before, exactly when we were decorating the Christmas tree, we bought baby socks and hung them on the Christmas tree with a piece of paper on what was written that we would like one small one. As that first Christmas approached we felt even more horrified, as if we wanted to escape from our own skin. It was our Christmas wish, which was very much a nightmare. So it was also too hard to imagine the Christmas tree and all that atmosphere without our her in our hands. It all seemed so unfair and so disgusting, and with all that we had a little quarrel with God, or whatever you sometimes call it. Both of us have different nouns. So celebrating Christmas was disgusting to us. For that Christmas, we decided on one big endeavour, a couple of months after the operation and in general for that time of year. We decided to walk over 200 km together, alone, alone with our thoughts. We decided for the famous Camino de Santiago, otherwise know as a pilgrimage, which does not have to have religious meaning and nor it did for us, but had been simply some kind of purification of thoughts from everything that happened to us and dealing with all accumulated emotions.

We didn’t mind the red meteo alarm, the floods, the rains, the showers, the blisters on our feet, the fact that there was no hot water in any hostel almost, or blankets. We didn’t mind walking in dry clothes dried overnight until noon just, to be soaked from head to toe right after noon to evening. We didn’t mind the 20, 30kg backpacks. It wasn’t cold even with all the winds blowing, it was just as if we didn’t feel anything from outside.

We spent Christmas Eve alone on the roof terrace of a hotel in a small Spanish town on the coast. Silently looking at all the surrounding buildings and rooms full of people and families at the table. We managed to find some local seafood pastry from some old man who was already locking up the store but when he saw us searching for anything open, he asked us what we would like. He had leftover unsold pastries from that day and I don’t think he even charged us the full price. It was a Christmas miracle for us because we completely forgot it would all close that day earlier. For Christmas we had the biggest breakfast of all that trip and kept walking on.

What did we learn as a lesson from all that journey?

Nothing special, except that we wanted to stay with each other and that we couldn’t imagine that Christmas any differently.

Were we crazy to go through such experience at a time when everyone is in their cozy homes, with families, is comfortable and with full bellies? Not at all.

It was our and only imaginable way to deal with that Christmas atmosphere. And we wanted to do it together even though there were moments when we couldn’t look at each other because we couldn’t bear to see all that sadness mirrored in others face.

So, if you don’t feel like celebrating Christmas – you don’t have to and don’t need to.

If you are religious, I am sure God will not mind. If it’s just another big family celebration, your family won’t mind if they are reasonable. If they are not, you are not obliged to explain yourself.

Take time for yourself and your partner, find a way to put up with it and get through it together. It doesn’t have to be something theatrical or strenuous, something simple or significant will do that “magic”. Some dinner with purpose, a weekend for two of you alone, a place where you can talk or simply be silent. Together . It is important that you are together.

Do something that will include the small one that is not with you anymore. Not a day went by that we didn’t think of her or mention her.

In the greatest sorrow there is the greatest opportunity to acknowledge all these feelings to each other and connect like never before. To admit to yourself primarily how you feel, out loud! It’s a big challenge, the biggest one actually and doesn’t necessarily mean it is something to you. This comes from my experience and what helped me to cope.

It’s important to tell yourself that everything will be fine, even though it sounds insane, unrealistic and horrifying at the moment. Our child within us needs to hear it to survive. It is not used to such rough slaps in the face from life. Just know that it will pass. These feelings of exhaustion, sadness and despair will pass. The days will come when you will learn how to live with what has happened to you. No, you won’t ever forget, but with a lump in your throat and teary eyes, you might one day be able to smile looking back at it all. You might one day feel grateful to have had that little thing growing inside you. Grateful that exactly you were its mom and dad no matter how long it took.

I certainly am.

I do not wish you happy holidays.

I wish you a happy recovery from the life that is a bastard sometimes.

I wish you to understand all your emotions.

I wish you to be able to connect with your partner and understand all of her or his feelings.

I wish you to be understood.

I wish you to forgive yourself, even though you have nothing to forgive.

I wish you to find your own way to live with the loss.

Unfortunately life will not wait for us, but take all the time you need.

And I wish you more than ever now, not to lose hope that life can be beautiful, and that ugly and horrible are part of what can be beautiful.

There is time for one and for another and your happy time will come too.

I want you to firmly believe in that.

Everything will be just alright.

Hang on my dear.

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