They say that fear is normal, it’s a consequence of evolution of our brain responding to fight or flight. Fear protects you kind of, warns you against potential threat.
It’s quite easy when you see your enemy or your threat – you decide whether to fight or run. Fear just prepares this chemical cocktail in our body that it reacts faster, better.
But what the hell does the fear do to you when you are in the dark, you know there is the danger, you know this night is going to be long, you have no idea what the hell is your enemy or where from will the threat come – and you actually have no option to run!?
I prefer to know rather than not to know, but what when doctors tell you this is all we know and there is no enough research yet done. Once again, I am touching myself the limits of science and medicine with my own bear skin needing more. Once again, I encounter the doctors approach of doing just what they think is enough and while it costed me one life, could actually cost me second or more.
I find myself in the tornado of no way back, having to push doctors to do more of what is necessary but having to trust them because I have no other option. I am also somehow not willing to visit my psychologist as probably I would have a breakdown, and right now, I can’t allow it myself. I find myself trying to remember to take all the pills and not to mix ones I should not. I try to apply the injections every morning at the same time as carefully as possible. My calendar is full of doctors appointments. I am not even mentioning Covid burden and going to hospitals alone.
I find myself so responsible, but I can’t actually do much.
I fight the reality and my subconscious.
I can control myself until some point but my subconscious and my fears wake me up during the nights. I dream of the most horrible things without ever having let my consciousness to go there. Yet, they are there, even while sitting in the public transport, just soaking my eyes in Prague thoughtlessly, they sneak up. Faster than any trackable movement to human eye or even mind. At such speed and such extreme, they make me quite limited in how I respond to everything around. Yet, I try to keep my heartbeat steady, and I count my baby movements, I follow them steadily, because that was my mistake last time. This time I focus, I tell myself whatever the outcome is, it will be alright.
I decided to give as much love, and as much cuddles as possible while in belly, to tell stories, to say how much I love it, and to send those messages down my bloodstream just as I was sending my thoughts down my breast milk to Aurora.
I know the precious meaning of the time and uncertainty of positive outcome.
I want this small one to feel all the love, every second it’s in there.
But there is more to a pregnancy than being on guard all the time, right? I should enjoy it?!
I can’t forget how much I missed those kicks in the belly after Aurora, and every kick I feel now fires up oxytocin like Sidney New Years fireworks!
I know it’s only 9 months inside.
I am not forcing happiness, but I try to be happy whenever I can. I want it to be a smiley, healthy baby! And I am incredibly grateful to all the universe forces that we are okay right now!
Someone once told me that dark is your best friend actually. I don’t know how you fight the fear, nobody could give me a manual, nor I find myself competent to answer this, but I can just say that every woman going through this is a super hero of it’s own. I can’t imagine the state of mind of women who lost more than one. I can just imagine the amounts of efforts they are putting to fight their fears. Because that’s what we do, every day, every night even in our subconscious. We have this big heroina scaring away all the nights growls and howls!
In the end of every turmoil, I find myself believing in this one thing. Which is not even a thing, as I learned, our universe is made of interactions and events rather than things.
I believe in this interaction called love, especially mothers love. Daddy is there too!
And that, I found to be stronger than any fears and night growls!