It’s hard to reflect on past 9 months, as everything has been somehow washed away with that first cry. Now it looks like all the stress was unnecessary because now, everything is just okay. We are home. We are together. Finally, we got to take our baby home with us. It feels so unreal and we are both in shock, that we can call ourselves again mom and dad with something to hold in our hands. Overdosed from happiness and reality that finally tastes so unbelievable good. Our rainbow baby. The moment they were putting him out, I felt like I am being born myself. I had a scheduled c section because of risk, and I wanted to stay awake of course. It’s not for everyone I can just say that. I stayed almost a month in hospital, and I was so afraid. Afraid because I couldn’t know what exactly was happening inside my belly. I knew I shouldn’t. It’s the nature as they say, and I didn’t want go against it, I just wanted to use all the possible science developed to prevent if there would be something to prevent. I must say that those doctors and nurses that took care of me ( and other women every day) deserve to be paid more than any youtuber or any famous actor. That dedication, empathy, sense of responsibility and willingness to help, to be in present and ready to make decision in every second of their shift is something priceless. For the second time, the medical personnel of UPMD in Podoli, Prague, have done really everything they could. I’ve been taken care so good that I felt like I was the only one they were taking care of. Even though I was in risky pregnancy department, I was probably the healthiest person there and sometimes there were not enough beds. I felt so safe being there.
It has not been easy, staying in hospital, staying around women with that every time a doctor would visit they would cry and I could not help. I would offer to talk, and bring flowers from the hospital garden. But I had some wall inside me, I had to focus on myself and my baby. Again, my mind shut down everything that was unnecessary or causing stress. I was not thinking much. During the whole pregnancy, I was taking it somehow day by day, enjoying today and not thinking about tomorrow as I didn’t know what it might bring. In the hospital, I took it hour by hour. On the day of scheduled C section, I took it minute by minute. Time almost ceased to exist in my mind and I was just focused on seeing my baby alive and healthy. All the thoughts and feelings were pushed towards the Universe asking for everything to be okay. Believing and hoping. Last hours before going into delivery room I felt like I would miss my belly. I would miss the kicks and rolls, hiccups and other character show offs. I felt incredible to have made it till there, getting the infusion to hydrate my body, dressing the hospital gown. I spent some time watching myself in the mirror. I felt so incredibly proud of my body, of my belly. So in love with everything it has done, we have done. Going inside delivery room felt quite strange. They brought me in on the bed in the some common room that looked a bit like slaughter house. They were cleaning lady that wad there before me and were about to prepare me. Shakira was playing in the background, but not in my head, literally they had music on. It was full of nurses. They undressed me completely and put me into delivery room. I couldn’t count how many people were there, but everyone had their own role. They were talking between each other, turning to me with what I needed to know. I was laughing most of the time. However, they had to hold me when they were injecting anaesthesia from how much I was shaking. Once the it was done it kicked in the same moment, and again I was laughing from how quick it was. Somebody commented I am in the nice mood. I was amused by the complicated and very well orchestrated process where everyone did exactly what they were supposed to. I couldn’t feel the pain, but I could feel everything else. It was far from comfortable, but it was worth. I was so glad to have my partner next my head. Incredible source of strength, having his hand on my head. In the moment of uncertainty and anticipation of meeting our small one, all my love for him somehow came to life, and I was just again aware of how much I really love him. I kept telling him that between almost fainting from all the pressure and “touches” I had on my belly from the other side of blue curtain.
It felt just so liberating in the moment I heard the baby cry. I felt like all the love I had in the moment I had my baby on my chest couldn’t fit anymore in this universe. It is wast beyond any borders. I fell in love so quickly.
As it was born some weeks before due date, baby needed to stay in intermediate care. By some strange universe laws, the same doctor who was taking care of Aurora and communicating the bad news, was assigned to take care of this baby. I don’t believe in coincidences and seeing doctors face smiling as baby was doing better and better felt like an explosion in my chest. Once he said we are being released to normal care unit, rain of tears both painful and joyful poured from my eyes and my soul. It felt so incredible, as I remembered well the face of the doctor saying there was no any hope for Aurora and now, seeing him so proud and happy like a small child telling me good news.
It’s been hell of a good ride, these 9 months. Now that we are home, looking at my baby sleeping so peacefully and smiling for the first time in his life makes me so serene. It feels so right. The reality. Finally. I could wish for more this Mother’s day but I know that somewhere here, and not only in our hearts is the missing peace of us. Somehow, Aurora is more than ever part of our family.
For this Mother’s day to those who are missing some pieces of their family I wish you rainbow as mine and serenity that comes with it.