It has been 2 years since I saw You for the first time Ljubav. It has been 2 years since life gave us something so beautiful in such a painful way. I wanted to make a cake and blow that number 2 but this year it has been rather difficult having your brother and feeling deeper of what we are missing by not having You here.
We celebrated by rushing through our daily lives, not able to speak to each other as we felt this anger that couldn’t be articulated. We both wished to go out and catch some stars in case we would have something to tell them.
All we have physical of You is this emptiness in our hands and scars on our souls. As time passes some memories fade but the burden becomes heavier.
Suffocated in our daily routine we fought the bittersweetness of inescapable memories and painful desire to revive it again!
There are those dark memory rooms hidden in our heads that we don’t want to remember but they resurface whatsoever. We fight them by trying to think of Your soft skin, the touch, Your face grimace, we fight the unbearable with everything beautiful You gave us in those 8 days. It’s not easy!
And the harsh truth of time passing is that everyone else instead of being there for us, wants to burry the memory and any mention of it. Shortly, everyone wants to move on with their lives while you have no where to escape your never ending grief. And it probably hurts even more the fact that we are alone in it. If you got another child in the meantime like we have, everyone thinks you are “over it”, you got what you wanted – another child.
Another child, as much as we love it unconditionally and endlessly, does not replace our first, our smallina, our Aurora.
How were these two years of having a child that we cannot hug, hold or kiss?
Especially because life is this harsh reality where bad things continue to happen and you are expected to move along. Except that you can’t, and every bad moment deepens the trauma. More for those who do not face it directly, their suffering is much deeper, and like waters that are never clean, you have no idea how deep it goes.
On Your birthday Ljubav we drove up to the hills that kiss the sky. We had a lot to say but starry skies left us speechless. This year we couldn’t visit to bring You roses, and that troubled us a lot, but being so close to the stars in the end felt just like we were supposed to be there. The absence of any street lights allowed the stars to shine so bright we could feel as if they were to touch us. Standing alone in the middle of the mountain darkness, looking up, I wanted to say something beautiful but all I had were tears and this wast, painful space of missing You. However, I felt like the stars were ones watching me and knowing exactly what I had inside.
I know that besides in our hearts, You are out there somewhere.
To the stars we lost You, in the stars we will find You
Happy 2nd birthday my baby girl.